Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
