My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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