The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
