Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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