so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
