Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
