saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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