Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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