if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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