he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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