She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Why can't burritos get me drunk
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
