The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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