we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
