Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
