My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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