I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
