when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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