I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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