he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
