The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
