So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
