so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
