i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
