I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
