I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
