This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
