is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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