I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
tonight lets celebrate not being married
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
