I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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