So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
