That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
