even my farts smell like vagina
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
