I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
