I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
