hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
