Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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