first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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