Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
