What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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