I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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