got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
