I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
