i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
