I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
this is an emotional support booty call
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
