You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you didnt know i had herpes?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
