at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
