a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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