seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
