you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
