Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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