Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
