i always forget guys have bellybuttons
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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